Getting into ruts seems to be relatively easy, it’s getting out of them that seems to take longer and longer. The worrysome thing for me is watching my internal organs systematically destroy themselves from chronic stress. Over the past 2-3 years, I’ve developed ulcers to the point where I can’t eat anything, eczema, arthritis, anxiety, depression, coeliac disease, reflux, and a muscle-memory of stomach clenching that sometimes makes it almost impossible to take a deep breath unless I leave myself Post-It Notes or set calendar reminders to unclench it. And, sometimes I feel like I look like I’ve aged ten years.

Reaching out is not easy when there’s no segue and I don’t want to turn into @EmoGirlJess on Twitter. I also was/am/will always be so afraid that anyone might think for one second that it has anything to do with a certain perfect little girl, because it doesn’t. If I had it my way, I could wrap myself up in my perfect, amazing family and stay in my own little world. No, it’s just life. Dealing with local, residential and small business clients. Dealing with onsite jobs. Dealing with at-home development jobs. Volunteering as the IT person for a busy non-profit and helping run their fund raising events for the year. Making sure I have work lined up. Making sure I save enough when I don’t. Working at night. Working during the day. Feeling guilty when I work during the day because I want to be with Zoe. Feeling guilty when I am at the Zoo with Zoe because I have an unanswered work voicemail. Guilt, guilt, stress, overwhelmed, guilt, stress, overwhelmed. Basically, the same stuff that everyone else deals with. What’s different here? The support system, or lack thereof, and that is what terrifies me.

For some reason, when you work by yourself, you tend to get left in no-man’s land. Friends don’t call because they think they will be bothering you while you work. Coworkers don’t talk to you because, oh wait, that’s right – there ARE no coworkers. It’s hard not to feel forgotten sometimes. Of course I realize this is a choice I’ve made. And I truly love what I do. So there we are.

Because support systems sometimes feel non-existent (that isn’t family, of course), I do what I always do… fix myself.

So….. I need a lift. Not like a quick-fix-me-up, but something to keep up the momentum that will end up with permanence, give me the energy I need to get done what needs to get done, and to get rid of the heaviness in my chest and heart that makes it hard to do anything sometimes. Lifts are what I need – lunch out with a friend, a nice IM, asking me how I am without pretense of needing a computer question answered, an afternoon with my car friends. The problem is that they are short-lived. So what if I could find something to keep the momentum?

I think I have.

Over the years of volunteering, I have grown closer with the amazing ladies there who work so hard every day. One lady in particular made a casual statement a few years back that she had once made a resolution to give something away, every day. For some reason, I thought of that and sent her off an email, saying she was an inspiration to me and asking for more information about it. Her answer astounded me. She has been doing this every day for 20+ years and has never broken it. It started as a New Year’s resolution to keep her lifted, and to be a positive role model for her children. So what kinds of things can you give away in a day? She gives away compliments, to both friends and strangers. Ideas. Hugs. Clothing. Advice. Old dog food to shelters. Smiles to strangers. She has even taken old costume jewelry to the beach and buried it for kids to find.

I think I have started early, as her first response was a thank you to me for giving HER a much-needed pick me up, which certainly surprised me. I guess we are all good at smoke-and-mirrors when we need to be. As for these lifts, I can attest that it DOES work. A simple smile to a stranger or a nice conversation in line at the grocery store is a powerful thing when repeated on a daily basis.

EDITED, as I now have permission to talk about this amazing lady - Victoria Vona, who helps tirelessly volunteer with me at Southern Rhode Island Volunteers. So for the Google searches out there, Victoria is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Period.

So, to give something away today, that is easy. Lots of cards, and they are all on that table over there.

As most people know, the Lotus community has a growing number of self-proclaimed “Nerd Girls”; we have had sessions at a number of tech conferences including Lotusphere, The View’s Admin, and most recently, IamLUG.

Coming back home, a number of us have given out buttons, with various slogans such as “My daughter is a Nerd Girl”, etc. In fact, I recently changed my Twitter name from @Mattandjess to the more appropriate (and singular) @NerdGirlJess.

From various people, I have heard a growing dissatisfaction with the phrase “Nerd Girl”. “What’s wrong with Geek Girl?”, “‘Nerd’ has such a stigma attached to it, why did they choose that?”

Having had many, many miles of open road to think about it recently, I think I’ve finally figured it out. And I think I figured out what we can do to get more girls excited about being a Nerd Girl. Kathy Brown wore a t-shirt with the phrase”geek” on it. Not so unusual, but what happened for the first time was her being asked, “What kind of a geek are you?” After receiving two blank looks and furrowed brows, he then followed with, “Well, there are many different types and kinds of geek now.”

And THAT, therein, is the problem.

I’m a geek. Absolutely. I game. I RPG. I Monty Python. I prog rock. I drink YooHoo. I heart gadget pr0n, and join just about every social network site as soon as I read about it on Twitter.

But that doesn’t make me a nerd. It makes me feel trendy, sure. It makes me feel as at home at Lotusphere as it makes me feel like an outcast at most other parties. But no, it doesn’t make me a nerd. It just means I fit a profile.

No, it’s my unconditional, insatiable, midnight passionate love affair with science that makes me the Nerd Girl that I am proud to call myself. The day I learned that the entire world’s infrastructure is run by 0’s and 1’s was the day that I could see the Matrix code dripping down my eyelids – and I wanted more. I’ve been a nerd girl since I was about four years old.

Learning the basic foundations of how the world works can make anyone learn anything. If something is either on or off, a 0 or a 1, you can make algorithms out of anything. You can learn how light switches work. LED clocks. Robotic sensors. RAM. Hard drive cells. From there, you can learn code. And from THERE, you really learn you’re on to something. Traffic light patterns. Jukebox shuffle patterns. The world becomes smaller when you realize how it’s glued together.

The day I learned that good driving was nothing but physics was a light bulb I will never forget. The concept of weight transfer was something I had never heard before. That makes autocrossing the ultimate nerd sport – it combines physics with geometry, no wonder I was attracted to it instantly. You’re not racing against other cars, you’re racing other drivers who share your nerdy passion for late apexing.

So how do we get more Nerd Kids? We build the passion by starting early. Have any elementary school kids ever SEEN the inside of a computer? Have they seen the inner workings of a cable? Have they ever learned brain teaser visual puzzles? If you aren’t following what I mean, empower a small child by teaching them how to do a magic trick.

The trick is that it can’t be a one-time lesson. A trip to the local science museum to build a circuit to turn a light bulb on should be repeated a few times. Household repairs should be make into lessons. An elementary school workshop/guest speaker should be repeated each semester.  At our nerd girl sessions, it was discussed that the one common item we all had was that our love for technology was fostered by someone we considered a role model. I propose adding that we start early.

My plan is to never miss an opportunity for a science lesson for my two year old. Bounce a remote control signal off a wall or a mirror. Compress a soda bottle during a flight’s landing. Show off my fantastic, yet useless collection of old computer memory.

Because she won’t learn how to drive until she’s sixteen, and by then it may be too late.

I got in an accident a few weeks ago with Eloise, my beloved 2002 MINI Cooper. Thankfully, no one was in the car but me, and no one was injured. In fact, I barely felt it, and until I saw the car when it came home, I was totally convinced it was just a minor fender bender.

I was driving in the middle lane of a three-lane highway, going through a green-lighted intersection. The left lane was slowly creeping along, so the car in the left lane must have decided to stop and let someone try to cut across the intersection. Instead of slowly pulling through to see if there was anyone coming, the driver barraged across, and imagine my surprise when someone was perpendicular right in front of me! Fortunately, MINI are wonderful for swerving, and I was able to swerve right around him instantly to avoid a head-on collision with his passenger side. Unfortunately, there was a Suburban in the far-right lane, and I collided on the right side with him.

As for the driver who cut through the intersection? He drove off, unscathed. It was dark, and hard to see the complete damage, but the front bumper was on the ground. That looked like the only damage. Imagine my surprise when the insurance company told me it was a total loss! I pretty much started stuttering to the lady on the phone. I think I managed to tell her I would call her back when I was coherent.

When Eloise was finally towed home, I saw the full damage. The side panels on the passenger side were all bent in. The wheels were damaged, and the whole passenger side was pretty much toast. The interior and engine were completely perfect, though.

So the story does have a happy ending – I am safe, sound, and in a new MINI and Eloise was a true organ donor as many parts are already in the new car. But, that’s another post for another time. This is about some respect due to a little car that changed my life.

When I got the news about Eloise, I did go through the five stages of grief - it felt like I lost and betrayed my closest friend. I was in denial. There was lots of anger. Oh yes, there was most definitely bargaining!

It’s easy to feel like you are out of control of everything when this happens. I had nightmares of the insurance company coming and taking my car from wherever it was, with all my possessions inside of it. Fortunately, I was able to get her towed back to my house and take my time with it. My mechanic, who is also a very dear friend came over one Sunday and brought Eloise back to stock, taking out whatever parts I’d be able to put right back into the new car. The wheels were damaged, but hopefully a new paint job will make them right again. They area crucial to autocross performance - they each only weigh only 10 pounds each, and to have to replace them would be very costly (I got them used from my motoring club the first time around.)

But in the meantime, I thought it would be fun to go back and find my favorite Eloise pictures that showed how much this little tiny car changed my life completely. From meeting awesome new friends, to going to all sorts of places that I wouldn’t have gone to otherwise, and for finding a new hobby that I am now also enjoying with my daughter, this car is single-handedly responsible for giving me an outlet that I am doing for no other reason than it is FUN. I’m not getting graded on it, nor am I responsible for making a salary off of it. And that goes a long way.

Eloise was a special car; she was an early build, first-year production model of the new MINIs. She had a limited edition paint color, and all the bugs, rattles, and design flaws that come with being an early adopter of a new model. I loved all of it. I loved how she always seemed to have less power than her newer playmates. I loved it how she ruined the photos (and the peace!) on top of Mount Washington because she almost overheated and her hood was up and the internal fan was blasting. I loved it how she always broke down on me immediately when she was in eyesight of me driving another sports car (and that would be funny if it wasn’t true).

As my brother put it, she was my “Millennium Falcon”. Nothing EVER worked when I needed it to, and “she may not look like much kid, but she’s got it where it counts. I’ve made a lot of special modifications myself.”

I am, now, however, looking forward to a new future, and new adventures. You’ll meet my new girl in the next post. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s got some BIG shoes to fill. Goodbye, my old friend Eloise. I’ll miss you dearly.

OctoberFAST autocross challenge - photo by Brian Lalor

Took home Fastest Time of the Day from that event!

Getting ready to head out on the course - photo by David Libbey

Mirrors, number and Pixie Posse Racing sticker all matched up

Drove another MINI that morning. Yes, that's the exhaust on the floor.

Getting ready to head up Mount Washington

This is an old shot, but even Reboot loved road tripping in Eloise.

This June at the summit - "This Car Climbed Mount Washington"

6,000 feet up - above the treeline from everything in the Northeast.

Getting ready to do touring laps on the New Hampshire International Speedway

Eloise the day I got her...

Eloise chromed with new dash/downtube/custom shift

Well, not so much ferocious, I guess. But definitely drooling.

Zoë is just about 15 months old now. She’s walking and playing hard, and seems to have a vivacious personality. It’s just a shame she inherited her parent’s shyness.

Though she seems to understand almost everything we tell her, her vocabulary at the moment is consistent with most 15-month olds (lots of grunting and finger pointing!). Let’s see, there’s ‘mama, dada, ball, book, hi, hello, bye-bye, woof, more, yay, juice, and mmmmmmmmm (of course, only reserved when something is REALLY tasty. And, she uses the vocal influx, so it’s actually mmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmm.)

Why, it's me!

Although it IS nice to be able to see!

I'm drooling but still cute!

Oh my God, it's headed for the bedrooms!

Playing hard

With Grandma and Nana (dear family friend)

You can see the rest of her current album on Flickr by clicking here!

If you live in Connecticut, southern Massachusetts or Rhode Island, we could sure use your help in distributing flyers for our SHO Road Rally fund raiser.

In case you missed the first post, join us on a one-hour scenic fall foliage tour through the windy, ocean-lined streets of Wakefield and Matunuck, RI. Along the way you’ll make five stops at local tourist attractions, and get a raffle ticket at each stop. At the last stop, The Farmer’s Daughter garden shop in Kingston, RI, we’ll draw tickets for great raffle prizes.

The event: Sunday, October 5th
Starting Time/Gate: 11-12 noon at the Narragansett Town Beach, North Lot
Raffle drawings: 2PM
The cost: $25 per car (no matter how many passengers!)

You’ll meet at the gate to register and get your route map.

SHO Volunteers is a local non-profit in Wakefield, RI serving the entire state. Last year, SHO volunteers donated over one hundred thousand hours of volunteering, delivering meals on wheels, driving elderly people to their local doctors appointments, and staffing various non-profits around the state. Your money will go directly to the programs SHO serves. The federal goverment put a value of nearly 2 million dollars on the work done by SHO volunteers.

It’s time to get all Sally Struthers on you. If you live in the area, won’t you take a few minutes to download a flyer and tack it up in your office, local library, or grocery store?

Download flyer here (FLYER 2008.doc)

In case you wonder what my relationship with SHO is, I assist in a few ways. I run and support their computer network, along with planning their yearly fund raising events, in this case, the Road Rally!

If you’d like to become a SHO volunteer, or for more information, visit www.southernrivol.org. SHO will match your interests with a suitable volunteer opportunity. We are also looking for members to help join our fund raising event committee - as this is done on a volunteer basis, we tend to get pressed for time and more numbers can strengthen our efforts and help make SHO events even better than they already are!